Wednesday, August 19, 2009

$15.00 Hair

It is amazing to me that so many people know so much about hair conditioning! It's a wonder that we all don't have heads of thick, shiny and perfectly hydrated hair!

I just wish that all the advice I have gotten would actually work on my dreaded locks!

I have tried every type of shampoo. I have tried every type of conditioner, frizz ease....frizz control...shining serum...the list is endless.

I did discover, however, there are some products that I have never tried before because it seemed so, so, well...I don't know...kind of out of my league.

I discovered that there is a section in Wal-mart, in the hair care area of the store where the hair care products are marketed mostly to black American women.

Now I must admit I have wandered, inadvertently, past this section once or twice in the past. I always wanted to stop and browse because my hair has given me cause to want to do so. But I always felt if I did some big black woman looking something like Eddie Murphy dressed up as Rasputia in 'Norbit' would come around the corner chastising me with...." what you think your lily white a** gonna do with a whole lotta olive oil based hair mayonnaise that straightens as it conditions and shines, girl?" "Who do you think you are, wanderin' out of your aisle to our aisle....ain't nobody tol' you that you got to get youself some Suave?" "Child, get over here an let me take a good look at that mees on yo' head 'for I ...WOOOOOO EEeeee! That is one bad head of white girl hair, take this olive oil shampoo, here's the conditioner to go with it.....a jar of hair mayo...yep and a pack of intense replenishing oil..wait! take two packs, yo' gonna need it!"

But today I went into that aisle on purpose with one goal and one goal come away with hair products that were gonna work on this white girls curls. I marched myself down that empty aisle and began to read. It was marvelous. I would suggest every white woman with troubled hair do the same. As I stood there several women, black and white meandered by. They all kind of gave me the wide eyed once-over as if to say....this is the wrong aisle for you honey!...

Then I realized I was in a motorcycle jacket and had my very dirty leather chaps on and my hair was a wild mess trying to escape from a pony tail at the back of my neck.
I think now that the looks were ones of pity and had I bothered to make eye contact they would have all stopped to help me find something that would work to ..."de-stress" my hair.

There were so many offerings I couldn't choose, so I did what any one would do...I got more than I really needed, paid and left.

As I sit here I am 40 minutes into a 45 minute intense conditioning and replenishing treatment. In five minutes I will rinse and then clean it with olive oil shampoo and apply a hair mayonnaise for 10 minutes and wash it with olive oil shampoo again and end with a quick olive oil conditioner and then rinse and dry. (you thought I was kidding before, eh? )

With any luck at all I will be able to cancel my salon appointment for the $300.00 Herbal Rainforest Infusion and go riding tomorrow with tamed locks.

Wish me luck

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

$300.00 Hair

When I was young I had blonde hair. Then, as I grew, it darkened to a medium dark brown.

It had the ability, when I was very young, to be brushed around a finger and hold a ringlet. It's funny, really, but I have a vivid memory of someone brushing my hair and doing just that...making ringlets. Over time it became very thick and wavy. It was manageable and held a style with ease.

Now? Now I have hell hair. I am not certain I can actually pinpoint when this happened...BUT....

Several years ago, perhaps five years ago, I decided I would get a perm. ( yes, yes, I can hear you all screaming, "But why???" ) I don't know why. I just know it was one of those moments when hormones rise to head bursting levels and there is nothing for it but to choose between eating many pounds of chocolate, spending vast amounts of cash on exquisite ( yet horribly uncomfortable/stay in the closet ) shoes or changing your hair style. I chose to re-do my do.

The perm went well actually and looked better than I had anticipated it would. Which, when I think about that, makes me wonder why I did it at all if I was not expecting the best result, but I digress.

As time passed I began to tire of it and knew that it would eventually weaken and droop and soon my hair would go back to being relatively straight with a bit of a bend or wave to it.

Like I said, that was about five years ago now and I am still waiting.

I figure what happened was just this: Just about the time the salon beautician stood, poised over my wavy and luxurious head of hair with a small, seemingly insignificant, white plastic bottle of perm solution my biological clock ticked its last fertile tock and thrust my body, and every last damn hair follicle into peri-menopausal hell. And I do mean every last follicle. What once was straight and manageable is now curly and frizzy...what was once curly ( ahem ) is now...well, not so much! The combination of harsh perm solution and raging hormones came together in a perfect cosmic-like storm and left me with really crappy hair.

How does motorcycling enter into this you might ask? Well, I'll tell you!

In order to maintain any semblance of sanity and combat the mental effects of this, this PERI-MENOPAUSE, I ride my motorcycle. A lot! Its not unlike Forrest Gump's running, running, running.

The only, and I do mean ONLY, thing about riding that has any negative aspect to it is that wearing a full faced helmet dries out my hair to the max! Wearing any helmet will do it really. In the world of women's motorcycling it is appropriately known as helmet hair. Combine that with the hormonal hair and you get Hel-monal Hair. It sucks! It is not fun and I am afraid that if I get it cut it will just look like a dandelion gone to seed. It would seem that my only option would be to have the beautician perform a miracle infusion of an exotic herbal concoction that has been flown here from the deepest and most secret places of the rainforest in a hermetically sealed native pouch woven from Sloth fur. (The only animal moving slow enough for Amazonian beauticians to catch, evidently ) This procedure will cost approx. $300.00! REALLY????????!!!!!!!...$300.000?

So, today, as hormone levels approach head busting levels I have to choose...chocolate, shoes or new do. Considering that I just came back from shoe shopping and taking into account that, tho' I have been dieting for the past 12 months, I have gained 13 pounds, I am thinking I should pay a visit to the hair salon...or better yet....I'll hide it under my helmet and go riding!