Tuesday, August 18, 2009

$300.00 Hair

When I was young I had blonde hair. Then, as I grew, it darkened to a medium dark brown.

It had the ability, when I was very young, to be brushed around a finger and hold a ringlet. It's funny, really, but I have a vivid memory of someone brushing my hair and doing just that...making ringlets. Over time it became very thick and wavy. It was manageable and held a style with ease.

Now? Now I have hell hair. I am not certain I can actually pinpoint when this happened...BUT....

Several years ago, perhaps five years ago, I decided I would get a perm. ( yes, yes, I can hear you all screaming, "But why???" ) I don't know why. I just know it was one of those moments when hormones rise to head bursting levels and there is nothing for it but to choose between eating many pounds of chocolate, spending vast amounts of cash on exquisite ( yet horribly uncomfortable/stay in the closet ) shoes or changing your hair style. I chose to re-do my do.

The perm went well actually and looked better than I had anticipated it would. Which, when I think about that, makes me wonder why I did it at all if I was not expecting the best result, but I digress.

As time passed I began to tire of it and knew that it would eventually weaken and droop and soon my hair would go back to being relatively straight with a bit of a bend or wave to it.

Like I said, that was about five years ago now and I am still waiting.

I figure what happened was just this: Just about the time the salon beautician stood, poised over my wavy and luxurious head of hair with a small, seemingly insignificant, white plastic bottle of perm solution my biological clock ticked its last fertile tock and thrust my body, and every last damn hair follicle into peri-menopausal hell. And I do mean every last follicle. What once was straight and manageable is now curly and frizzy...what was once curly ( ahem ) is now...well, not so much! The combination of harsh perm solution and raging hormones came together in a perfect cosmic-like storm and left me with really crappy hair.

How does motorcycling enter into this you might ask? Well, I'll tell you!

In order to maintain any semblance of sanity and combat the mental effects of this, this PERI-MENOPAUSE, I ride my motorcycle. A lot! Its not unlike Forrest Gump's running, running, running.

The only, and I do mean ONLY, thing about riding that has any negative aspect to it is that wearing a full faced helmet dries out my hair to the max! Wearing any helmet will do it really. In the world of women's motorcycling it is appropriately known as helmet hair. Combine that with the hormonal hair and you get Hel-monal Hair. It sucks! It is not fun and I am afraid that if I get it cut it will just look like a dandelion gone to seed. It would seem that my only option would be to have the beautician perform a miracle infusion of an exotic herbal concoction that has been flown here from the deepest and most secret places of the rainforest in a hermetically sealed native pouch woven from Sloth fur. (The only animal moving slow enough for Amazonian beauticians to catch, evidently ) This procedure will cost approx. $300.00! REALLY????????!!!!!!!...$300.000?

So, today, as hormone levels approach head busting levels I have to choose...chocolate, shoes or new do. Considering that I just came back from shoe shopping and taking into account that, tho' I have been dieting for the past 12 months, I have gained 13 pounds, I am thinking I should pay a visit to the hair salon...or better yet....I'll hide it under my helmet and go riding!


Joshua said...

hahahaha..lady I love it! You have a very entertaining style of writing...i can relate I use to have nice thick pliable stylable hair..and then after three years of flat ironing I've left it a curly frizzy jewish fuzz. I think it's similar to when you take a piece of ribbon and edge it against a pair of scissors how the ribbon curls up...

I think you should definitely add before and after photos of your hair for visual effects!! :)

Leah said...

At least you have hair! Mine is all falling OUT!!!! But, it's shoulder length now. Took me over a year to grow this crappy hair out. Anyway, go to a salon, but instead of an appointment, ask for a "hair mask". It's a type of conditioner that you only use once a week or so, and they do amazing things. I love them.